preamble

anyone who has known me for any amount of time can tell you that i have struggled with my weight for as long as i can remember. even back in my high school days, when i actually had a cute little body, i had this idea firmly planted in my head that i was too fat. my self-esteem has suffered greatly because of this mindset that i have always been in. i spend most of my time depressed and ashamed of myself and trying to avoid mirrors. i have been on a weight loss journey for a long long time. at my fattest i weighed 220 lbs. most ppl go to college and gain a few pounds, the "freshman 10" if you will, but for me it was more the "freshman 60." i remember the exact moment that opened my eyes to what i was becoming. i was sitting in my physics class watching all the other students file in and find their seat, and one of my classmates caught my attention. she had to be pushing 400 lbs. i watched her waddle up a few steps and then try to squeeze behind a desk. and it hit me. if i kept going the way i was, that would be me in no time at all. well, i just couldnt have that. back then it was easy because i had gotten entirely too comfortable with fast food and soda. you cut those 2 things out and anyone could drop weight like it's going out of style. i started studying. took a nutrition class. got myself comfortable with what nutrition really was, and then i buckled down. i lost 50 lbs and got to a place where i was finally happy with myself for the first time in my life. around that time i also dropped some other baggage that i was hooked to, got my CNA, and moved to colorado springs. a brand new start. i was flying high and living my life the way i really wanted. i was truly happy. i fell in love, got married and then got surprised by our first little monster. pregnancy is not the best thing for someone who recently lost a lot of weight and had fragile will power. i put those 50 lbs right back on. one upside of pregnancy weight though, you can drop 20 lbs in one big poop. when kailey was born, the hubby was also deployed, and for some reason it's so much easier to focus when the man is not in the house. by the time he got home i had lost all the weight and was back to my happy place. when we came to germany, i was looking and feeling good. of course i gained some weight back due to the delicious food and beer, but 10 lbs is really nothing to fret over. 10 lbs is easy after losing 50. then i found Zumba and omg, nothing has ever done so much for me and my fitness journey. finally, a workout that i LOVED and looked forward to. i was doing it 2-4 times a week, i joined a couple other gym classes, and i was exploring other fun ways to get a work out in and enjoy my new body. i quickly got into the best shape of my life and was well on my way to my final goal and i was loving every step. then the damn pregnancy bug bit again. once again i gained a bunch of weight, pooped half of it out, and now i am 20 down from the pregnancy weight, 20 up from my pre-pregnancy weight, and about 50 from my goal weight. 50 lbs is a nice number for me because i have done it before so i know i can do it again. the hard part is getting started. getting into a workout routine, flushing all junk food out of the house and replacing it with healthy stuff, monitoring the food you eat to make sure you are getting a well rounded diet as per the food pyramid, and to also make sure that you are getting the right number of calories. i dont know why weight loss has to be so damn hard, but alas, it is. this has always been my biggest goal in life. i want to be happy and healthy. i want to be strong so i can achieve my other goals. i feel like if i can conquer this evil thing that has been hanging over my life for so long then i can conquer anything. but most of all, in a society that already causes girls such heartache and low self esteem, i will not let my daughter watch me hate myself. i will not teach her to stew in her own self-pity instead of doing whatever it takes to get to where you want to go. i will never utter the words, "i'm so fat," or "i hate my body," or "i just wish i could look like that," or any other atrocity that would make her feel that bad body image is the norm. and i will not fake it, because, well, you just cant fake confidence no matter how hard you try. so with the help of shaun t, tony horton, my daughter, and my hubby, i will end this stage of my life once and for all and move on to bigger and better things. and i hope that my journey can help others to start their own.