6/27/2013

for as long as i can remember, i have been consumed with the idea that i am not good enough. this mindset manifested itself primarily in the form of my body image. i always believed that if i could just lose weight, i would magically have all the happiness and confidence in the world. so for years, i focused on losing weight. on days that i didn't do well, i felt completely worthless, ugly, disgusting. there were days that i wouldn't leave the house simply because i didn't want to go through the hassle of finding something to wear that didn't make me feel like a whale. my confidence was so low, i was afraid to go anywhere alone because i was convinced that everyone would be staring at me and judging every inch of me. these ideas plagued me and kept me caged up by my own mind. i had no life, no happiness. moving to germany saved my life. there's something about being forced out of everything you have ever known, everything familiar, to cause a person to really look into themselves to survive. when i got here, suddenly i had no other option but to learn to stand on my own feet. i had my first epiphany: i have my own life to live, for only myself, no one else. i dont need to care if other people are looking at me and judging me for one thing or another... i cannot shape myself around what i think other people want to see, other people whom i will never speak to and probably never see again. we all get this gift called life, and we all have the right to choose our own path. no one has the right to determine our path for us. if i don't live for me, who will? this marked the first time in my life that i allowed myself to look inside and ask, "what do I want?" i realized that if something in my life is making me unhappy, it is up to me to change it, no one else can. i had to learn to stop relying on everyone else to make me happy, no one else should have to carry that burden. so i buckled down and got serious about losing weight since that was my biggest problem. i did really great and came into the healthiest period of my life. then i got pregnant and lost everything i had worked so hard for. i fell back into a deep depression about my appearance. then i had my second epiphany: my weight and outward appearance should not be what defines me. there is so much more to me than my looks. my weight is going to fluctuate throughout my life, my looks are going to change. my self-confidence needs to be anchored in something deeper than my appearance. so many women could name 10 things they don't like about themselves without even stopping to think. but you ask them to name 10 things they like and they are stumped. this is horrible! every person has so much more to offer this world besides physical beauty. otherwise we would live in a world of beautiful idiots... so i set off on a journey to discover REAL things about me that i love. i have found that even though my weight is the same, i feel more confident in myself that ever before. i am kind, understanding, accepting, generous; i believe in love in all its forms, fairness, forgiveness, everyone's right to their own opinion; i trust God, nature, and myself; i'm eager to learn, to grow, to constantly change and improve myself; i love all forms of art and self-expression, silence, introspection; i have been given incredible blessings- my babies, a wonderful husband, amazing opportunities to learn different cultures and see so much of the world, a mind capable of contemplating all these things, and a faith in God that could truly carry me through anything. next to all these amazing things, what's a few extra pounds? what right do i have to complain about anything when there is really so much sadness and evil in this world? which brings me to my third epiphany: there is absolutely nothing in this world that i can control besides my own mind. i get to decide who i am, where i go in life, and who gets to join me. i do not have to accept anything into my life that i don't want. i decide what to care about, what to believe in, who to listen to, and who gets to affect me. i am smart and powerful and important. people who understand their strengths, accept their faults, and know how to love every piece of themselves that makes them the beautiful person they are, are the ones who hold the key to real happiness.